a rundown before the breakdown: my dad was being unreasonable. my sisters arent speaking to one another. i finally broke things off wth ben. more later.

<3alli

i have this bad habit of overthinking... seems like the only thing that calms my mind and relaxes it right, is reading. i need to do more reading.

 

seriously though, this is ridiculous.

as a result of my spastic brain tendencies, i think ive made a good situation go sort of... bad. i hope im wrong, but uh... looking at it from my point of view right now, im gonna have to take a few steps back for awhile and just hope it blows over.

on the other hand, i could just be overthinking again. and creating this whole elaborate situation in my own head when in fact there is no situation at all, its merely a creation of my paranoid mind. lol

 

gah! see what i go through all day?! i gotta get a hold of myself!

a quiet love, i watch you as you move
do you know i want you? do you know?
your touch, your touch, it does so much
and i can't escape this feeling
i'm yours and my soul is free-wheeling
but i can't let you see through me
even though you know every part of me, now
how did that happen, i wonder?
have i let myself go?
it's never happened this way before
but here i am, and i wan't more, more..
so much more.

--on love.

before you go on, i ask that you read every word and don't just skim this.





i havent spoken to, or heard from you in FIVE DAYS. im riding the fence between anger and worry, and tension is building. something's got to give.

before you get on the defense, be sure that you understand that i KNOW NOTHING of your situation right now (whatever it is).. so while you may very well be having good clean fun (which knowing you, i doubt) leaving me in the dark, is just fucked up.

how could you not think to let me know all is well by now, five days later? did you lose your phone? are you mad at me? are you hurt? have you found someone new? i dont know. i want to talk to you. i at least want to know you're alive.

so i worry. would you blame me? i actually care. you went from calling and texting me everyday, to absolutely nothing. i think after nearly three years of being together, i've at LEAST earned enough respect to deserve to know whether or not you're alive.

and don't even try to say you're forgetful, because we've had SO many in-depth talks about this bad habit of yours (this lack of response to calls or messages for days at a time)

and here i thought we had reached an understanding that you cant just leave me in the dark--especially when you're hundreds of miles away!!! so you forgot? yeah. five days in a row? ',=T

if "being forgetful" all you can come up with, answer me this.. if you are in love with me, and care about me, and value me like you have said before, how could you just FORGET? actions speak louder than words, benjamin. maybe YOU'RE the one that's confused.

and considering your actions (or lack thereof) its pretty clear where i rank in your life. i care about you a lot, but frankly, this isn't the kind of treatment i'm looking for right now. i think you know i deserve better than this. especially from a man that claims to love me.

it seems to me, that you only want me to be your girlfriend when its convenient for you. unfortunately, that isn't how it works. i'm not just some thing you can leave and come back to whenever you feel like it... personally, i think you're being selfish. because you dont REALLY seem to want me, you just dont want anyone else to have me.

and thats why i think that we need to split up. right now, all i know is that i'm not happy. and that you are not making me happy. i feel a little betrayed, and very let down. because intentionally or not, you're hurting me, and i'm not going to allow myself to just lie down and take it anymore. our relationship is hindering my well being more than its helping. and the last thing i need right now, is something dragging me down when i'm trying to bring myself up.

i hope you don't think you have me wrapped around your little finger. because that would be a grave assumption to make. with or without you in my life, ben, i will flourish. whether or not you really want to be a part of that picture, depends soley upon your choices and the actions you take. so reflect on those things before you claim that you treat me like a queen.

so on that note, call me whenever you're ready to give me your side of the story. if i never hear from you again, fine. this will be the last time you hear from me.

but if you do decide to call me, try to think about why i feel the way i do, and how things look from my perspective... take that into consideration before you call me crazy.


alli

When you love someone, you do not love them all the time in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet, this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of time and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible in life, as in love, is in growth, in fluidity in freedom. The only real security is not owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now. For relationships, too, must be like islands. One must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits islands surrounded and interrupted by the sea, continuously visited and abandoned by the tides. Once must accept the serenity of the winged life, ebb and flow, of intermittency.

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh




have you noticed that that theme runs through the universe at every single level? some call it 'ebb and flow' some call it yin and yang, some call it balance. whatever we call it, its there, it exists, and it ties everything to one another. we are all one in the same... and as we pass through time, our actions, our thoughts, everything about us is affected by our surroundings and the world/universe around us. and still likewise, every action we take, choice we make, thought we think, in turn affects our surroundings. and we are eachother's surroundings. we are all connected. do you get it yet? i am made up of atoms. of molecules. of matter. but so is everything around me. i am it, and it is i. stardust, all of us.

we must follow the examples of nature, we must work with one another and accept eachother to create and contribute to that big picture, that the universe, the thing we are a part of, is creating. we should move with the motions, instead of fighting them. maybe then humanity will find peace.

the answers to so many of life's questions can be found anywhere... in everything, and everyone. on every level. collectively, induvidually, big picture, small picture, just look for that one theme runs through it all.

ask yourself everyday, what it is. and maybe when you figure that out and learn to accept it, and make choices/take actions and live according to this single running theme, maybe then... will you be happy.

<3alli

people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

if you bend over and take it, people will give it to you. however, if you turn around and kick them in the crotch, they probably won't even try to give it to you anymore.

...there are a lot of things i think about that i don't write down. i really should start writing some of that shit down or something... some if its actually pretty decent.



note to self: im going to start carrying a little notepad around with me. and i will make it a habit to write little useful, clever blurbs down when they come to mind.

<3alli

i was having a conversation with my eldest sister may today, just to catch up and switch stories about whats going on in our lives. i told her about my dilemma with ben, and she told me about what's going on between her and rick/rick's friends. turns out she's dealing with the same kind of drama i thought i left behind in highschool.

i guess it just goes to show that no matter how old you are, some people never grow up. i find this not only discouraging, but frustrating; because i was hoping that all people matured with age, but i suppose i was wrong.  i should have known better than to assume that, considering i've dealt with some childish adults already, and i'm only twenty-one.

still, it boggles my mind to think that there are people who somehow manage to escape the lessons that life teaches all of us. how do they live their lives day to day, month to month, year to year without picking up some of the cosmic hints life is constantly battering us all with? i suppose though, it doesnt help a person to grow when everyone around them kisses their ass and pretty much accomodates for their unruly behavior.

yeah.

i suppose all i can hope for, is that these people someday recieve a rude awakening. and if they manage to dodge that, i'm sure the lingering dissatisfaction with their mundane, uninteresting, repetitive, unsatisfying life floating above their heads will eat away at them until they're absolutely miserable.



truth is, everyone wants to feel human. we need to feel the ups AND the downs to be happy. it keeps us grounded. people who are always treated well dont realize why they're unhappy. its a mystery to people why celebrities throw fits over small issues? because they have no big issues to throw fits about! they WANT to feel upset so that they have something to compare to their apparent happiness. most people dont realize they just want someone to treat them like a person. at least thats my opinion.

if i were rich, and had everything i ever wanted, and had people kissing my ass constantly, never going against my will, i'd be unhappy too. oh well. sucks for them.

it doesnt give them an excuse to treat other people like shit.

i think thats lame.

i'm really proud of how my sister leads her life. she's a huge role model for me, and i dont think she even realizes it. i'm going to have to tell her soon. because i really want her to know someone appreciates her sanity.

<3alli

is natural when you allow yourself to live, live, live!


(side note) are we really the only animals that question our own existence? i mean... how would we REALLY know that? we dont know what dolphins are thinking... or fish... or rabbits...

in any case, the way i see it... i am--to simply put it--a part of some big picture. its complex, and its ginormous, and its beautifully balanced. and i am okay with accepting that. i may not have all the answers, i only have questions that lead to more questions... but knowing that i am a part of nature, is enough to sate my aching need to know everything. (this doesn't mean i won't strive to learn more about myself and the world around me, i just won't let it turn me into one of those extremely intelligent, but incredibly bitter people) after seeing around me, everywhere, what nature is capable of, i'm honored to be a part of it.. just because i am not bigger than it, and cannot comprehend it completely, doesnt mean i can't be happy!

relative to the universe, we are only here for a blink of an eye... we can only contribute so much, why not let it be good vibes? mmmm, spread the loooove!!! <3 good/bad, easy/difficult, life/death.. we need it all! all you can do is keep going, and put forth your best effort to be someone you're proud of.

hahahaha. fuck, i probably dont even make sense, but i dont care. :] goodnight everyone, its so effing late :P

more later---or another day.

i was driving up the five today. on my way home from dropping my family off at the airport. they're going to chicago to visit some distant relative that i havent seen in years..

anyway, so i'm driving up the five, and as i was, i looked around . i saw all the cars speeding along, and it just so happened that in the car beside me, a middle aged asian man in his little beat up ford taurus was talking on his cell phone making gestures with his hands like he was trying to explain something to the person he was talking to. i wondered who he was talking to---perhaps to his wife about what was said at the dinner table the night before? or maybe he was lecturing one of his kids about something they'd done, or maybe he was speaking with his own father, who knows. i could really make up any outlandish story, and it could be absolutely right.

then that made me wonder about every other person on the five at that moment.. how many of those people were on their way home from dropping loved ones off at the airport? where were their loved ones headed, and why? i wondered how many husbands were driving home to their wives---or on their way to meet their mistresses.. how many friends were in san diego to vacation.. how many people were just going back to work from their lunch break.. and for a second i tried to pretend i could hear all their thoughts and conversations at once.

made me feel small.

cuz i realized again, that despite the silence we experience in private, the world outside is still quite chaotic, noisy, and things are happening everywhere. tragedy, miracles, accidents, first kisses, last breaths.. first breaths.. all at once. at any given moment.

crazy, huh?

thats all.

i talk a lot about how i love to read, but i never really tell you the real reason why.

my brain is a wreck. i dont mean to say i'm stupid or anything, i dont think i am, personally. but i suppose if other people are looking in on my life, they could think i'm stupid on their own terms.

anyway. so my mind is usually going a mile a minute in any given direction. i think and think about lots of things and all the different possibilities that extend from that one single idea, and whatever possibilities extend from each of those ideas. and so on and so forth. it gets really exausting actually. and after awhile i lose my sense of reality because i'm neck deep in all these made-up possibilities. does that make sense?

anyway, reading puts me in this place where i can take a step forward from where i am, one at a time... without any pressure of what will happen next.. i just get in focus. and everything seems much clearer to me. i guess you could say that for some reason, reading a story helps me to write my own story.

and i think thats why i love reading so much. the more i read, the more i learn about how to express myself. im not a fancy shmancy book genius or anything. i cant quote famous classical authors' works, and i dont know all the technical vocabulary involved in language, but i appreciate it nonetheless. i never got pulled aside by my english teachers about my writing, but i always got A's on my papers, even though i wrote them 2 hours before they were due. haha!

maybe i'll go to school for writing or something. its really a toss up between language and art. maybe a combination of both somehow. because i love them both very much.

for instance, there are certain words that i just love. visually, or the way they're spelled, or what they mean, or the feelings/memories i recall when i hear them. they're kind of like music to my ears. (i love music for this reason as well)

a few of these words are:

peculiar

brilliant

lovely

just, really nice words.. that's all. i also have words i don't like... i cant remember them all off the top of my head like i can the words i like, but one of them is the word fern. i've always disliked taht word because of how my mouth feels saying it. that might be exceptionally weird but this is who i am.

so get over it suckas. lol

--alli